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"Her feet flew in front of her as she dashed through the brush of the forest floor. Her bare legs scraped against the thick bristle of the growth, but the grating on her legs and the blood dripping from her wounds was not enough to distract her.
She peered into the dark snow-covered canopy above, making sure to look back at her destination to avoid colliding into a tree, but she saw nothing. She shook her head, realizing that she still had a ways to go, and increased her pace by a little.
Even though her feet were making a substantial amount of noise against the ground and fallen branches that continued to snap under her weight, she could sense that something was watching her, and she suspected that something probably was. She heard a loud cracking noise from behind her, and almost instantaneously, she turned her head. She couldn’t stop it. Her body was moving in a way that she almost couldn’t control. Her head wasn’t turned long enough to catch more than a small glimpse of whatever was chasing her, and the forest was dark from the thick awning that the trees produced. Her strides became longer and they accelerated to a particularly swift fear-driven pace.
She continued to run even though her breath was beginning to shorten and her legs beginning to tire. Her chest was heaving, but she glanced once more up into the canopy, and noticed what she had been looking for. She saw a large break in the otherwise overgrown roof of the trees and knew that she was close. She clenched her fist in front of her chest, gasping for breath as she continued to run even faster than before. She could see the opening of the forest just a few feet in front of her, but she wasn’t fast enough.
She couldn’t have been more than fifty feet away when something vaulted in her line of direction. The light from the snowy day outside of the forest produced a silhouette of the creature, but she did not recognize what it was. It stood there, as if it were staring at her, moving its limbs all the time. Its legs looked like a thick cloth waving in the wind, only backward since they were holding the creature up. The arms were much the same, and she couldn’t even spot anything that resembled a head, not in the dark, at least."
7 comments:
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Mikey
February 25, 2010 at 11:15 PMThanks, both of you!
That's like one of the main things I struggle with, Bailey, haha. It suuucks. I can't seem to find a better way to start my sentences most times though. Suggestions?
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bclement412
February 26, 2010 at 1:09 PMSome suggestions (let me know if you want me to expand):
This: "She saw a large break in the otherwise overgrown roof of the trees and knew that she was close." could become this--> "Since there was a large break in the otherwise overgrown rood of the trees, she knew she was close"
"She clenched her fist in front of her chest, gasping for breath as she continued to run even faster than before." --> "Clenching a fist in front of her chest, she gasped for breath and continued to run even faster than before"
"She could see the opening of the forest just a few feet in front of her, but she wasn’t fast enough." -->There was an opening of the forest just a few feet in front of her, but she wasn't fast enough"
Mainly, you can take out things like "she could see" because as long as you mention something, we can assume that she is seeing it. Also: did you intentionally leave out her name?
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Mikey
February 27, 2010 at 1:27 PMOh, I see. Thank you for that, makes a lot of sense.
And yeah, I did.
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Karla Calalang
February 28, 2010 at 1:06 AMThis was GREAT! I loved it! The descriptions were good. Definitely put me on the edge of my seat which is good!
I gave you a blog award on my bloggy! Check it out! :D
About Me
- Mikey
- I'm seventeen, living in Colorado. An aspiring writer. I try but fail most times. I'd like to think I pick myself up and keep going though. I have a fetish for the human spirit and abuse it as much as I can in my stories just to show how strong people can be. Lame, I know. I really like Imogen Heap, Lost, Grilled Cheese, Fantasy in general, and movies. I want to learn more about directing, producing, acting, and all that jazz eventually.
February 25, 2010 at 1:38 PM
Teaser Thursday, teehee. Usually I'm not wild over 3rd person, but yours sucked me right it and kept me in. It was really fluid, and the descriptions planted such a clear image in my mind.
The only suggestion I have is to have some variety at the beginning of the sentences, because a lot start with either "She + verb" or "Her."
But besides that, I reaally like this. Look forward to reading more =)
p.s. Like the new layout